I Just Don’t Get It

One of my first blogs was about men wearing leather Jesus sandals.  I won’t bore you again with how ugly I think they are and how stupid they look.  Apparently my blog did not change any fashion trends.  But the other day while waiting in line at Target, a man was in front of me wearing these  sandals.  Bad enough except for the fact that he had a huge red angry looking rash all over his foot.  There was pus discoloring his leather straps.  I even threw up a little bit into my mouth.  Did it not occur to him when he strapped those things on, that perhaps he should cover up his rash so others don’t have to look at it? Or to at least keep the oozy pus off the carpet? What was he thinking?

Did you ever notice how passionately geese yell at you when you drive past them?  Like they are mad that you are driving and they have to walk…  And shouldnt they be scared and not mad?

Justin Bieber was in Minneapolis recently for a concert, and for a short period of time thats all you heard about.  I can’t knock the guy because he is a  successful entertainer and I’m not.  The thing that I don’t understand is that he does not have any unusually spectacular talent.  He has maybe enough talent to win a middle school talent contest.  I am sure there are thousands of more successful singers his age.  But fortunately for him he is the front man of a highly successful marketing group.  A lot of people are making some money off of him, and I suppose if I did too, I wouldnt be complaining.

If a company relies on customers buying their product, isn’t customer service one of the most important functions of the company?  Why then do they take people who can’t get regualr jobs and are unmotivated and then pay them minimum wage and allow them to be their voice to their customers?  Why are customer service jobs the lowest paid and most poorly hired positions in the company? The worst thing is when they hire foreigners that not only don’t have a command of the English language, but also pronounce all the words wrong.    At least at McDonalds or at Walmart, if worst comes to worst, you can read lips, or draw a picture or act out what you are trying to communicate.  But when they are on the phone mumbling some strange voodoo chant, you have no options.

The Griswolds went to Walleyworld during their summer vacation.  So why would Roy Walley close Walleyworld for cleaning during the middle of the summer – the peak of the tourist season?   Wouldn’t you try to keep it clean while keeping the park open?  And since they were the only car in the parking lot, how did everyone else know it was closed and they didnt?

Knowing that carbonated soda explodes when it is shaken, why did the inventor of the pop machine think it was a good idea to drop the cans 2 or 3 feet into the bin?

Why do people think it is cool to put their cell phones on speaker and hold them out in front of them so that now they have to yell their conversation for everyone to hear?  Does that make you look more important?

On that note, bluetooth headsets are great for the car, but when you are walking around with nothing else in your hands using your headset makes you look really stupid.  Bluetooth headsets  were trendy for about a minute and quickly turned into uncool.  Unless you are driving of course.

There are some phrases that stay popular throughout time such as “Thats in the ball park” – meaning something is relatively close…. or saying someone is a”basket case” meaning they are crazy.  But some phrases lose their popularity and sometimes rather quickly.  For awhile, when someone made a mistake or did something wrong, they would say “My bad”.  But from my research, it seems like that phrase didnt even last for a year.  It just disappeared.  What made it suddenly unpopular?  Maybe I’m wrong and people still use it….  If I am, My bad.

At first I thought LeBron James was a disgrace to the city of Cleveland as well as the NBA.  He had made a mockery of a business transaction by turning it into a spectacle.  But then I realized something.  As a pro athlete you have about 10 years to make the majority of your money.  If you are smart you maximize that potential.  He not only signed a lucrative contract, but he did the most important thing – creating attention and creating an image.  People may be mad but you know that every arena will sell out when the Miami Heat come to town if nothing else to boo Lebron.  People that didnt know who he was, know his name now. He doesnt care if they hate him…he has created more attention around himself than any other NBA player did this year …Attention, even controversial sells.  Besides, if its true that members of his team dated his mom, I wouldnt have stuck around either.  If that story is true, Cleveland can than thank those guys.

Whenever I see people wearing their sunglasses indoors or at night it makes me laugh because those people must think that they look really, really good in their sunglasses.  And I think thats funny.

Dumb Things to Do

We had a snowstorm the other day, and while I was driving down the road and trying to keep my car on my side of the road, it reminded me of one of the favorite activities of my youth – skeeching.    In my youth, after my friends and I would get done with our snowball fight, or building an igloo, we always spent a little time skeeching.  There was an art to skeeching.  Not everyone was good at skeeching.  It blended the skills of timing and speed with a good pair of shoes with no tread.    For those of you unfamiliar with skeeching, it involves a child running alongside an unsuspecting  moving car, grabbing onto the back fender and letting the car pull you down the street.  To a 6th grader, its a lot of fun and the frightened reaction on the part of the driver is the best part.  The exhilaration of hooking onto the bumper and getting a good slide was unexplainable.

Now that I am older, I think about those poor drivers who suddenly saw a 10 year old boy in their back window holding onto the bumper of the car, realizing that neither stopping nor speeding up was an option.  Skeeching is no longer an accepted sport among adolescent boys – Thank God.  I suppose that better sense now prevails – or perhaps its because cars no longer have bumpers.

The days of skeeching reminded me of some other dumb things we did.  Flaming tennis ball is a good example.  We would soak a tennis ball in gasoline, light it on fire and kick it around the garage.  I often wonder which part was the dumbest of that activity:  1) Playing with gasoline, 2) lighting the ball on fire or 3) kicking a flaming ball around in a closed garage where there were lawn  mowers, cars and other flammable machinery.  That game did not end for my friends or their parents very favorably.

On the 4th of July we would stand on either side of the street and shoot bottle rockets at each other.  This was not my idea. But it was fun to see how close you could get it to your friend – the target

All these things happened years ago in a different type of environment .  Even though they would be frowned upon nowadays, there are other dumb activities that go on today.  Ice Fishing for example.  Fishing is not that exciting to begin with.  Add to it sub freezing temperatures and its even less attractive.  People say its a great social event.  Frankly I think socializing inside is a lot more fun.

Hunting -another activity.  A gun represents the ultimate power over a human being – let alone an animal that has a brain the size of a walnut.  Sitting in a tree for hours waiting for a deer, though, makes me wonder who the one is with the tiny brain.

A couple things…

Winning eight gold medals was a great accomplishment for Michael Phelps and I dont want to take anything away from him…but I think he has become a little overexposed.  He is not particularly a great speaker and doesnt have much of a camera presence, but networks continue to have him appear on everything from Regis to the VMA’s.  I just cringe every time I hear him try to read his cue cards. I guess he needs to take advanatage of what he can since its pretty clear he doesnt have much of a career in TV.

What happened to singers having backup bands?  I dont understand how a “live” performance of a song involves the singer, a drumset and a dj playing records.

My 70 yr old father just bought a new phone – The Insignia which is a lot like the I phone.  I’ve always considered myself pretty close to the cutting edge of technology – not a pioneer, but at least up to date.  But my father now has an Insignia.  I have the Razor.  If you remember the Razor it was cool about 3 years ago but now the phone companies give them away just for siging up on the basic plans.   This purchase of his made me realize that my father has actually passed me by in technology.  When television remote controls came out, our family had a single button remote that actually moved the dial on the tv a certain number of channels.  It was pretty cool at the time, but my father never really got the point of what the remote control was for.  When he wanted to change the channel, he would get out of his chair, pick up the remote,  stand about 2 feet in front of the tv and hold the remote right up to the tv and press the button.  I would try to tell him that the point of the remote control was to change the channel from anywhere in the room….  Neither of my parents wanted to get a VCR when they came out.  “Why would anyone want to record a tv show?” they would say.

Now…they have three GPS systems.  I use Mapquest and print the directions on a printer

They have all big flat screen tv’s including one mounted outside on the porch…I have vaccuum tube tv’s or whatever they use.

They have both a laptop and a home pc with all the bells and whistles with wifi….  I ran dial up until not too long ago and probably have the last vaccuum tube monitor on my block.

They have satellite TV – hundreds of channels including music and whatever else comes on there…I have cable – you know where you have to have a coaxial cable running into an outlet in your wall

I do have one cool thing that they don’t have – a blog.

Going Up

When the doors to an elevator open, have you ever noticed that the world temporarily changes?  Any social skills we have developed become temporarily inactive, personal space issues become top priority, and your self confidence gets sucked right up the cement elevator shaft.

I have worked on the 99th and 104th floor of buildings.  Ive taken high speed elevators, and Ive taken elevators that take as long to go 5 floors and some take to go 50.  Based on that extensive resume, I find myself qualified to define elevator behavior.

When people enter an elevator, they immediately go for a wall.  Its crucial to have a wall to stand against and thereby leave the middle of the elevator open.  Even if there are two or three people in the elevator, one person claims a wall to lean against.  If a fourth person get on, the other three go for a corner, leaving a corner open for the new rider.  I call this the Corner Shift.  If someone stood in the middle of the floor, personal space issues would prevail.  I think this leads to people coming into work crabby in the morning.

When more than four people enter the elevator, the occupants pull their peresonal belongings closer to themselves.  Hands, purses and briefcases take unnatural positions, usually straight in front of them.  People then scrunch up and round their shoulders to take up less space, even though a space emergency may not exist.

Regardless of the number of people in the elevator, everyone stares up at the numbers indicating the floor.  This is not out of necessity, as most people either know exactly the time to their floor, or at least recognize their floor.  Even if you happen to glance at someone, the glance will be returned by the other person with the stink eye.

It is unusual for strangers to speak to each other in the elevator unless there is some unusual event occurring.  Occaisionally someone will make a funny comment as they get on, but humor is not often readily accepted by strangers.  Some comments I have made and do not recommend are:

1) “Mooooooo”  when there is a very crowded elevator

2) “I shouldnt have had that last burger” when the door buzzes.

3) “I sure wish I had taken that shower”

4) Pretending like you are using all your might to push the doors shut when they start to close.

5) “Oh shoot.  This one doesnt go to the penthouse”

It is unusual though when two co workers get on the elevator that there is no conversation or interaction.  There are several reasons for this.  1) You dont like the person, 2) Its early and you dont want to talk to anyone or 3) You dont even realize its a coworker.  

Some additional Elevator Notes that I have learned:

Never make fun of a person who just got off the elevator.  It is possible that there could be someone left on there that knows the person you are making fun of.

Whistling and singing are generally discouraged by other riders.

If two people are conversing, don’t assume its okay to join their conversation.

Urinating in an elevator is not considered to be funny by other riders.

If you are the only rider, it is funny but not widely accepted to press all the other buttons before getting off.

If you are going to the tenth floor and the button is already pressed, it is not necessary to press it again.  If it is lit, then that should be enough.

Most “Door Close” buttons dont work.  Repeatedly pressing it does not make it go faster.

Contrary to popular belief, ladies still appreciate being let on first and out first.  As a guy, you can pretend to hold the doors for them even though its not really doing anything.  It still looks good.

It is NOT acceptable to enter an elevator and shake each riders’ hand.

Gifts I never understood

Im not sure what made me think of this…Sometimes I see certain items being given as gifts and I really wonder what that person was thinking when they came up with that as an idea for a gift.  Can they not think of anything else?  Do they dislike the person they give them to?  Are they just unoriginal?  or do they actually think they are good ideas?

1) A VCR Rewinder….  They still sell these.  Even 10 years ago when Videos were still on tape, I didnt understand why someone would think this is a useful gift.  Did anyone ever buy a VCR that did not have a rewind function?  The selling point was “Save wear and tear on your VCR”.  Did anyone actually take their VHS tape out of the VCR and put it in the tape rewinder?  Besides, did anyone ever believe the video store when they said they would fine you if you didnt rewind? 

2) A battery operated machine that makes fart noises…  Are the noises so pleasing that we want to hear them again and again on demand?  Does someone not hear enough “live” farts that they have to reproduce them electronically?

3) A Fondue Pot…  Not really a common thing to have for dinner, does anyone desire to make fondue at their house?  I challenge anyone to tell me they used their fondue pot more than once.  Same goes for a wok.  Ive never seen anyone actually use a wok

4) A paperweight…  “Here you go, I got you a paperweight”.  Who has papers that continuously blow around their desk that you must buy a heavy object to keep them in place.  If you are a sea captain or you work on top of a mountain, a paperweight may be useful…but otherwise , no

5) A candle:  Who buys someone a candle?  What are you going to do with a candle? If the power goes out chances are you wont find any matches anyway.  How many candles do people have sitting in their drawers?

6) A frame…How impersonal is a blank frame with no picture in it besides the models that posed for the frame company.  You buy a frame when you need it.  You dont have an inventory of frames.  An even worse gift would be a framed picture of the person that gave it to you.

7) A star named after you…  At first Im sure it sounds very special but when you think about it, someone named a star ( 1 star in 300 trillion) in the sky that you probably cant see and will never find.  But rest assured, you and the person that bought it know there is a star up in the sky with your name.  Yippee

8. Remember those mounted fish that would sing and flop when you walked by?  Billy Bass or something it was called.  Its amusing the first time you see it.  Not amusing enough to buy it though.  And then who would ever hang it on the wall?  You walk past it and it flops each time?

9) a Goofy mug ..  It could say “I hate Mondays” or “Boss” or “Big Boy” – either way you’ll never use it and after you receive it you really dont know what to do with it

10) Shirts with a message aimed at the givee that you think are funny but are not.  For example, you give a preganant woman a shirt that says “Bun in the Oven” or you give a lawyer a shirt that says “I sue, therefore I am”.

Do it and Run

Every office has one….they lurk near you- in the lunch room, by your desk – all around.  They play with the stuff on your desk, shake hands with you and take one of the bagels that are free in the kitchen.  Its the dreaded ‘non-hand washer“.  We have all seen them in the bathroom – they do their business, check themselves in the mirror and walk out the door.  There are sneaky ones that think no one is in there and its safe to just leave without washing.  There are the bold ones who will actually be carrying on a conversation with you and then just walk out without washing while in plain view of others.

Its good to know who these people are.  Occaisionally we have baby showers or free food or parties in the office.  Sometimes these people are serving food or even helping themselves.  If you see a non-washer dishing out the cake, you may want to think twice before having some.  (Unless its triple chocolate fudge, then you have to consider “Whats a little bacteria anyway”)

The actual spreading of e coli or urine around the floor doesnt bother me so much as the attitude that these people think they dont need to wash.  Who cares about anyone else – they just saved themselves 30 seconds by darting out the door.

When pedophiles move into an area, its posted around the neighborhood.  Similarly it may be a good idea to just post a list of the nonwashers for everyone to see.  Then the nonwashers can continue on with their avoidance of the faucet and we can all assure ourselves that we will never shake their hand.

Taken to the cleaners

When I put on a pair of pants for work in  the morning, I am often pleasantly surprised when I put my hands in my pocket and I find some money – often a few dollar bills or even a 5 or a 10.  The other day, a friend asked me what happened to the money you leave in your pants when you go to the dry cleaners.  And sure enough, when I put on a pair of pants that just returned from the dry cleaners, I never get that surprise.  The pockets are always empty.  Why is that?  I do my best thinking in the shower so one day I tried to analyze this.

This means that when i take my pants off my body at the end of the day, I dont clean out my front pockets.  I take out my wallet from the back but I fail to check the front pockets.  When the pants come off, they either get hung back up if I didnt spill anything on them during the day, or they go in a pile to go to the dry cleaners.  Or, if I dont feel like hanging them up they go into the dry cleaner pile too.   So if I am leaving money in the pockets when i hang them up, I must be leaving money in them when I put them in the dry cleaner pile.  That led me to ponder more questions.

Why does the owner of the dry cleaners drive a Jaguar?  Why did they just remodel the store with marble and fancy new electronic gadgets?

Here is the theory I came up with.  Occaisionally I do get a little envelope attached to my pants with a quarter in it, or even a quarter and a dime.  I think the dry cleaners build your confidence by doing this.  They draw you in by giving you your change back, and you feel confident that your dry cleaner is giving you your money back that you leave in the pocket.  Then they keep the bills and throw you that envelope with change every now and then just to keep you from asking questions. 

I feel sorry for the people who just work on shirts – they dont get to empty any pants pockets.  that must be the lower tier of the dry cleaning hierarchy.  When you’ve proven yourself, you get moved up to the pants department – they dont give you a raise – but you get the double secret “pocket” bonus.

Why?

One of the dumbest haircuts I have ever seen is the Faux hawk or Fo Hawk.  Im not sure thats how you spell it, but its such a stupid look I dont even want to look it up to see how to spell it.

Heres how the faux hawk started.  Just about every hairstyle imaginable has been tried over the last 10 years.  Some have caught on and some have not.  When there is a new hairstyle, it seems as if you first spot a few people with it and it may seem kind of odd.  But after you see it enough, it just becomes normal looking.  The mullet is a good example.  The “Business in the front, Party in the back” look turned some heads initially but the more you saw it there was actually a brief dark period when it was popular.  Remember the hairdo of Kid N Play?  that was bad and it never caught on.  Even the regular mohawk, as dumb as it was, doesnt turn heads anymore.

But who actually thought to themselves “Hey I want to try something different”, and then proceeded to gel their hair to a point  at the top of their heads?  And then went out in public?  It actually makes them into a pointy conehead.  And it takes time to get it that way. 

You know how some people look back at pictures and say “I cant believe I parted my hair in the middle” or “I cant believe I had an afro”?  Well people are going to look at their faux hawk pictures in a few years and want to send out apology letters to everyone they ever came into contact with.

There is a weatherman in the Twin Cities with one of these and I am actually embarrassed for him whenever I see him.  I can’t even listen to him deliver the weather because I have to turn away.  It screams “Im trying to be trendy but I have no more imagination than to comb the hair to a point of the top of my head”.

Fun at the Stadium

The other day I was at a major league baseball game.  The middle innings can get slow, the stadium gets a little quieter,  and people’s attention starts to wander.  As I was watching the special announcements on the scoreboard I heard a familiar sound – the roar of the wave. It amazed me that 25 years after I first witnessed the beauty of the ‘wave’,  people still seemed as excited as ever to participate.  Its funny to watch the anticipation on people’s faces as the wave gets nearer and nearer to them… and then they finally get the opportunity to jump up, raise their hands and sit back down.  Then the anticipation grows again until the wave makes its way all around the stadium.

There are many different styles of participation.  There are those who give a half-hearted effort either because they don’t want to let the other 30,000 strangers down, or because they really want to do it, but feel kind of stupid doing it.  Then there are those people whose eyes light up and they yell loundly when they get to stand up.  Then there are those who just enjoy getting out of their seats because they hate baseball to begin with and the wave is the most fun they had all night.

There is always the initiator.  The guy who started it in his section and brags to his buddies becasue he started it.  This time there was a Forrest Gump type guy who ran across the aisle as it came time for each section to stand up.  Soon the wave was faster than him and he would retreat back to his starting point.  The only reason I call him Forrest Gump was because he had this set of keys dangling from his belt and when he ran, it looked as if he had just learned how to do it that morning.  All i could think of as he ran across the aisle was “Run Forrest run”.

A couple years ago I thought that Minnesota was the only stadium left that continued to do the wave..  I figured since everything hits minnesota about 7 years after it hits the rest of the world, it is possible that the wave is still popular here.  But I have been to a few stadiums since and I can verify that it is actually done in other major league parks.  Although I cant really say that Kansas City is a barometer for ‘trendy’.  I just have to assume that the wave is one of those phenomenons that will last forever.

Real Reality

The first Reality TV show that I can remember was Survivor.  I think it was Survivor that made the phrase “Getting kicked off..” part of our culture.  That concept in itself was brilliant.  In fact I would love to carry that concept one step further and make it part of our daily lives.  Its cleansing, its therapeutic and most of all its fun.  Its a great way to get rid of things you don’t want without any hassle.  Just Kick them Off.

Who wouldnt love to have this at work?  I can’t imagine a better way to get rid of the people you hate to spend 8 hours a day with.  Everyone must have that older someone who is overbearing, frustrating and bossy – kick him off.  Does the person next to you smell bad or make funny noises all day?  You don like the way someone dresses?  Vote them off.  At the end of every week, the office gets together and votes someone off.  It keeps the bad performers out and lets you bring in someone new.  If  you finish a big project or correct someone else’s error, you get immunity for that week.   I can think of enough people to vote off to last 4 seasons.

How about prison?  At the end of every week the prisoners vote someone to the outside – freedom! Imagine the bartering that would go on all week.  That would be some good TV.

There are problems in Utah with these guys having 10 or 12 wives.  Every week he would have to vote one wife out until he ended up with just one.  The free wives could then go out and become someone elses wife and it gives them another  chance to make the final cut.

Everyone has that annoying Uncle Walt that shows up to Thanksgiving with his shirt hanging out and insulting everyone through dinner.  Rid yourself of holiday headaches by voting someone out of your family every week.

Reality TV can teach us to simplify our lives.  Every week get rid of an article of clothing, some food in the refrigerator, a piece of furniture and something in a garage.  In a year you will only be left with the necessities.

I used to work in a company where one of the Division heads always got rid of the bottom 10%.  At some point, those who were in the middle or perhaps even the top can become the bottom 10%.  he felt that it was time to turn those people over.  All it really taught me was that i didnt want to be in his division.

tomrorrow’s subject – texting